I’m sitting here looking at the cursor on the page…not really knowing where to start.
I mean…there are so many wonderful things that have happened in my life over the past two weeks that I want to share with you….. Speaking events, retreats, birthdays, sweet conversations…….but I can’t. You see……first….
Last night I attended church….and one of the points of the message was to BE STILL. To quiet our lives…..our minds….for just five minutes a day. To allow our souls to hear from God.
This morning…I knew that is exactly what I needed to do…to be still…to unplug….to allow my mind to shut down in order to hear God…..not my cluttered, overwhelmed thoughts…..but God. I knew I’d been seeking Him in so many ways recently…..but I just couldn’t figure out my “next step”. I’d seen beautiful and wonderful things happen…but hadn’t been still long enough to listen to Him tell me what the next part was.
This is where my confession comes in…. This is where it gets real.
After speaking at a retreat a couple weeks ago….I have been messaging back and forth with one of the ladies who attended the event. She is a very brave young woman with a story of her own. She had written some parts of her story and read them after I had spoken. Her words were moving, gut-wrenching-yet-beautiful all at the same time. She has sent me messages….encouraging me…..saying she is praying for me….telling me wonderful things about her relationship with Christ and what she feels He wants her to do since hearing me speak. It was at the end of the last note she sent she said she couldn’t believe my dog ate the flash drive with my book on it…and just how long was she going to have to wait to read it!!??!
As I sat…..being still this morning…..not thinking…..not worrying….her note is what came to my mind. It was as if God was speaking to me. It was then that I knew….it doesn’t matter where I work…or what else I do right now….I am supposed to finish the book.
My confession is…..for over 8 years…I’ve sat at a computer screen or with a notebook and pen in hand and tried to put my story to words in paper format. But it hasn’t happened. I haven’t been able to do it.
I have the cover designed…the title…the chapters and the format. I even have sat and written a lot….but have never come close to finishing.
This morning….in my still quiet time…..God showed me why.
You see…..when I speak and share my story…it’s as if you take a small scalpel and make a very tiny incision. It bleeds for a while…stings and hurts….but when I come home…have a cleansing cry with my husband and talk through some feelings….it heals up….without needing stitches or anything. There might be a small scab…but no outward scars appear at all. It’s safe for me. I control what is said, how it is said. The people listening hear the inflection in my voice and know exactly what I mean by the way I say something.
But….to write this book…..instead feels like the scalpel makes an incision that goes from the top of my chest all the way to the bottom. I think, as I go through the memories, I can feel my breastbone being broken open. Then, as the words go onto the page, I can feel them stretching my skin back….exposing my heart. And then….I feel the scalpel open my heart and it bleeds…..and bleeds…and bleeds.
There I am…..fully exposed….hurting….and it honestly…….feels like…
This morning, in my still quiet….this was the picture He gave me. And the tears ….. they just wouldn’t stop. Because I could physically feel it….all of it.
But…..He has now told me in order to move forward in the ministry He has planned for my life…I must trust Him as the Great Physician of my heart. I must write this book and be obedient. I know I’ve said it before….but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Now, I HAVE to.
You see friends…..two weeks ago….I was blessed to be asked to speak at three separate events…..and see what happens when we yield ourselves to the Holy Spirit and become a vessel for Him to use! I’ve seen it before…but there was something so much more powerful this time that happened. One of my friends said I came back different….I sounded different. And she was right….
I was humbled. I was used. I was His hands and feet and truly saw the power of the comma in someone else’s life! I can’t explain it. There really are no words. I’ve struggled with it…because it feels like I’m promoting myself and my story. But He has shown me those are thoughts from the enemy.
Yes….everyone has a story and there are many stories that would bless others. But He gave me MY story. He gave me a heart to share and teach others. He is asking me to move forward…to trust Him….to allow Him to fulfill the rest of His story through my story. He can do it without me……but I want to allow Him to use me…..to help teach others of His love…and the truth of who He says we are!
So…that is my confession….and my prayer request. I haven’t been able to accomplish what He has asked of me….and I need prayer to move forward and complete it. I hate asking for prayer. I’m a giver…it is hard for me to ask…..and hard to receive. But…that is part of my humbling. I do need prayer…I do need encouragement. I do need the accountability.
I pray that opening myself up like this is going to help put me where I need to be. I’m just being real…..#mystruggles.
I truly love and appreciate you all…..more than you know…more than I can express.
I’ll be praying blessings over you as well….
much love ~c